WHITE NOISE

They say white noise machines help babies sleep more soundly and consistently.  Something about a dull, repetitive hum helps infants adjust to the quiet world outside your uterus and access a sleep-friendly place.  This is why - I’m told - these machines are ESSENTIAL to every good baby registry.

But I often wonder if this isn’t a golden opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.  To-be parents are well-advised to stock up on slumber before their precious bundles come screaming into their lives; and a small, unimposing cylinder seems as good a place as any to toss the unsolicited criticism they receive throughout their pregnancies.

Here’s the incredibly dull, repetitive, BORING white noise putting me to sleep as we speak.  DISCLAIMER:  Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this post.

Sweet dreams!

1.  “You’re too big.  Are you sure you’re not having twins?”

Thanks for your concern.  I’ll be sure to run your educated medical opinion by my doctor.

2.  “The first child ALWAYS resembles their father.  This one will probably look nothing like you.”

Oh hey, Carnac!  While you’re at it, would you mind telling me this week’s winning lotto numbers?

3.  “I don’t like that name.”

Well good thing this isn’t your kid.

4.  “Aren’t you a little young to be starting a family?”

Aren’t you a little old to be this rude?

5.  “Should you be eating that?”

YUP!

6.  “I don’t think you could deliver a baby that size.  You should have a C-section.”

  Amazing point.  You’ve completely convinced me…

7.  “Kiss your life goodbye!”

Just so helpful.

8.  “Don’t forget, you have to lose ALL THAT WEIGHT after the baby is born.”

You don’t say.

9.  “Wouldn’t you rather decorate the nursery like THIS?”

Let me think… no.

10.  “So, when’s the next one?”