Friday, May 6, 2011


It all started at my gynecologist’s office…as most hilarious stories do.  The well-meaning nurse held her clipboard with surprising nonchalance as she asked “Any problems with intercourse?”

It was just then that it occurred me: “Yes.  I have a definite problem with its absence...”

Approximately two hours later, I joined I had once firmly resisted the pay-for-play dating arena, but that was before “Fishing,” “Cupid” and “Vow” forcibly wrestled my faith in humanity to the ground.  Everyone I’ve talked to said the serious daters live at Match, so I held my breath as $150 of my hard-earned dough was sucked into an electronic void---never to be seen again.

Initially, Match seemed to live up to its hype; it’s more secure, detailed and the people seem much more motivated.    I’ve made several connections; however, it has become very clear that Match has its fair share of idiots as well.  Proof positive:  Mr. Maturity, a 40-something Match-er with no pictures and a sketchy profile.

“Hi there Alex,

I love your profile and amazing smile… can I send you a few pics???  I promise you will like what you see……….”

Now, I don’t know if this is all his fault.  In fairness, dating has a way of slowly chipping away at your sanity.  The small, the meek, the stander-uppers, the grape, the missed connections and failed intrigues have one by one pushed me closer to the edge.  It was only a matter of time until I snapped…. And unfortunately for Mr. Maturity:

“So you’re my father’s age.

This is a no.


I did not expect him to reply, but less than 24 hours later….

“funny I was dating a girl that is 23…if the girl is mature then its not a problem……”  

 Why I now decided to launch a cyber-crusade on all over-aged pigs everywhere, I’ll never know… but I could barely keep my blood from boiling over as I tersely replied:

“Yet you’re no longer dating her…

I wonder why that didn’t work out.

That’s a real brain buster.”

To which he [hilariously] responded:

“Well Alex it was not because of age, so not sure what brain buster you are talking about…. You are funny and I like you already. 

I’m 41..and look 31………. For the record…
FYI…she moved back to FLA for grad school….we are still friends.”

He was making this too easy.

“Grad school?  LOL!  You’ve completely illustrated my point.  Surely grad school would not be an issue if you were dating someone your own age.  If you’re not looking for something serious.. continue doing what you’re doing.  But I’m just saying, you will probably not have much luck with women who are so drastically your junior.

You will probably not take my advice, and that’s okay.  41-year-olds who chase after women half their age irk me---call me crazy.”

As if that weren’t enough… I went on…

“And PS:  41 is not 31.  You’re ten years closer to the nursing home, my friend.  41 is 41 no matter how you slice it.

Now that I’ve depressed you sufficiently, I’ll take my leave.

Have a great day!”

And this is where he got personal:

“ are a funny and not so bright girl…. Depress me??  LOl…not a chance.. good luck finding Paulie D..

Also for the record 41 yr olds usually date young girls like yourself for ONE reason only..and we both know what that is sweet keep chasing your tail out there….

I’m guessing a lot of hump & dumps in the near future for you J

Nice Alex begged me to stop.  “Why are you wasting your time arguing with this Neanderthal?”  she insisted.  But it was too late---I was a woman possessed.  This old, sexist, racist jerk was not going to have the last word.

“Well judging from your hostile, insulting reply it seems I struck a chord… Quite shocking in the face of my [apparent] dimly-lit intellect J

I’m not sure why you decided to make this a racial thing.  Though I am Italian, I’m certainly not looking for Paulie D.  I’ve actually *never* been dumped, nor do I make love until I’m in a serious, committed relationship… But thanks for your input, genius.  Once again, not sure why you decided to go there.  My best guess:

A.       Complete Ignorance
B.      An unsuccessful attempt to hurt my feelings

Take your pick.

I know exactly what 41-year-old men are seeking in 23-year-old women---hence my disgust with you and everyone like you.  Coincidentally, THIS is why you’ll have no use for me; I’m looking for something serious with someone morally sound.

I can’t imagine why anyone would have you, but I’d be willing to bet you’re married… that’s probably why you don’t put your pictures up.  It’s either that or you really aren’t “41 in age, 31 in looks” as you previously claimed.  If you only knew how hard I’m laughing right now J.

Don’t bother replying… I’ll just delete it.

Sweet Cheeks”  


  1. Hahaha, you go Alex!! Serves him right. Older men are pigs, they always want to preserve their mortality by scoring a young pubescent teen.(yes 18 is still a teen) Perhaps if men weren't so arrogant and selfish then we might stand a chance in this world, but alas, this is not a perfect world.

  2. Whatever happened to your ex's friend?

  3. Well said.
    EVERY dating site - even the so called 'serious' and 'respectable' ones are full of married men looking for sex on the side.
    In my experience anyway.
    And they never have a picture and are usually arrogant pricks who have no concept of what women really want.
    Actually I think they reckon that joining the 'real dating' sites makes what they are doing less seedy.

  4. What happens to men? A study for all young biology and stupidity!

    Men are at their peek when they are about 25 years old. Like women, their hormone levels begin to drop. They feel different, their hair falls out, they get a little belly...not so sexy. The drop in testosterone causes their "little pal's" first failure. It is not their fault, IT MUST BE THEIR WIFE OF TWENTY-SOMETHING YEAR'S FAULT! And, they quickly try to find a younger more stimulating "playmate" for their "little pal". When that doesn't work either, they are left alone without any playmate... and the men and their "much littler pal" (they do shrink) DIE!

  5. He sounds awful!!! Augh, his arrogance really disgusted me...