Saturday, April 9, 2011


I believe I’m experiencing the first signs of dating fatigue, readers.  You’re sure to sympathize with my exhaustion.  After all, you’ve been with me throughout this cringe-worthy rollercoaster all along.  I’ve recently come across a few people who think I’m trumping up these de-blog-cles for the entertainment value.  All I can say is… I WISH that were true! 

Taking some time away from the dating site got me thinking about strategy and whether or not I’ve subscribed to the correct one.

There are generally two schools of thought when it comes to finding someone:  The passive “When You Least Expect It” crew, versus the more active “Out There” group.

Have you thrown up your hands, tossed in the towel, and/or purchased feline companionship?  GOOD!  Disciples of the “unexpected” and “come what may” will tell you that you’ve finally reached the promise land.  They believe you cannot find what you’re supposed to have until you’ve completely given up.

 If those relationships found on the brink of hopelessness don’t work out however, one may turn to the latter approach.

Shrinks, obsessive beautification rituals, dating sites and yes---blogs, are all a part of being “Out There.”  “Out There” is a lifestyle, an attitude, a projection.  To be “Out There” you must send the right vibe.  You must look people in the eye.  You must smile and giggle at jokes.  You must strive to be a better person.  You must eat delicately, and force yourself out even when you’d prefer to be in.  In short, you must be on at all times.

Besides the weariness, there is another negative side-effect of this method:  You inadvertently intrigue the wrong men!

 Recall if you will, Mr. Marriage.  Unfortunately, I must report a similar sorry saga. 

This past Tuesday, I was to perform at a charity event for which my boss volunteered me.  It was a wonderful evening, complete with cocktails, hor dourves, and 500 of Westchester’s most successful business people.  Prior to show time, my employer invited me to converse with him and a few of our clients.  Of course, it would only be moments until the least attractive, most inappropriate man was able to hone in on my coordinates. 

“My goodness, who is this?” he broke in. 
“This is my assistant, Alex” bragged my boss.  “She’ll be singing for us later.  And don’t let the size fool you!” 
“Yeah with me either” said the inappropriate man.  Once I realized this was an anatomical size joke, I blushed with embarrassment.  “Do you think you can dedicate your most intimate love song to me?” he asked, his wedding ring glistening in the party light.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to hurt the other gentlemen’s feelings” I replied. 
Nervous laughter suddenly erupted from the people around us. 
“You are adorable!” the inappropriate man retorted. 
“Aw, thanks” I said politely but blatantly unimpressed.  “If you’ll excuse me.”

I retreated to the ladies room in an attempt to avoid saying something snippy in front of my boss.  Just when I thought I provided exactly the right hint, it was time to go on.  The inappropriate [ignorant as the day is long] man made his way to the front of the crowd, clapping, dancing and cheering along.  Wow, thought Nice Alex, How am I gonna handle this one?!

Once off stage, the inappropriate man asked for my information…  Ya know, to hire me for some private parties.  I told him that I was in a rush to make another engagement but that he was welcome to request a business card from my boss if he needed to get in touch.

Like clockwork, an e-mail awaited me when I arrived at work the next day; one that emphasized my talent and beauty.  He concluded with the hope that he’d see me at another event ---or---maybe even a bar downtown.

It’s moments like these that make me want to jump ship, readers.  Perhaps I should give up---because it seems that even if you find someone to marry, you’ll have to wonder if he's hitting on other people’s assistants at cocktail parties. 

But will giving up eventually lead me to the proverbial promise land as so many believe, or will it simply mean settling for a singular existence?

What do you believe? 


  1. Suddenly SeymourApril 9, 2011 at 3:04 AM

    Dear Alex,

    If I may, the Universe sucks, I guess I'd be considered a cousin of the "When You Least Expect it" Crew, however I've seen from experience; when single and trying to find a date, its like a needle in a haystack, when in a happy relationship, there's always people interested whom obviously nothing can occur with due to said relationship. Like I said, the Universe and its logic sucks.

    There is a silver lining tho, and this is by the revolutionary system I've created. For every asshole you date, go on a date with or are subjected to, you accrue interest, which eventually equates to something pretty kick-ass. So with my savvy math skills, you cannot give up, something good will come your way. Trust me on this one. I Know.

    When you find that someone, who I hope you will tell us all about so we can pick him apart in the comforts of our homes, you will be able to trust them. The guy at this event sounds like a complete putz, and his wife, if she doesn't suspect he's capable of ignorant comments as you described then they deserve each other. Which is a lesson learned, Don't marry a putz. Alex my dear, you will know when you find him, most men suck, but not all of them.

    BUT, if you are going for feline companionship, I recommend an old newspaper/potted plant motif for your apt. It just adds that special something to the place.

    Fight the Good Fight,

    Suddenly Seymour

  2. "A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician does his patient, and look upon them only as sick and extravagant."
    - Seneca

    Alex, 80% of men are overt fools while 15% are of the contrarian, hopelessly desperate persuasion (these are the guys who say "I'm different" when they're really just playing the game a different way). That means you're only left with 5% who seem like they'll sweep you off your feet when given the opportunity.

    My advice to you: Stop looking for them and just accept that most of the men out there are just wrong in some glaring way.

    Remember that video game Pokemon we all played in the 90's? The biggest thing I took away from that game is it's far more enjoyable to come across the rarest creatures by happenstance than to spend countless hours trolling tall grass looking for the perfect one.

    Focus on just being a better YOU, whatever that means :-/ and Mr. Right will reveal himself to you when the time is right. It may be days, weeks, months, or years from now time is your friend right now. You're young and pretty--don't worry, a big fish will bite your hook eventually.

    - Campbell

    [And yes, I just cited Seneca & Pokemon]

  3. O_o

    Wow...that jerk took it to a whole new level of gross. This is when it would be achingly pertinent to whip smootly from between your breasts a drop-down photo album of your family.

    These photos should include one of your father polishing his shotgun (at which time you can insert a clever quip about how size really does matter...with BULLETS), one of your mother using a very large kitchen knife to slice some sort of phallic vegetable, one of your sister snapping two boards in half with her amazing 360 jump back kick, and one of your grandmother frightening dirt with her Sicilian death-glare.

    Never give up!!! Continue to be your beautiful, charming, giving, loving self and soon the world will be at your feet.

  4. Suddenly SeymourApril 9, 2011 at 2:29 PM


    The fact that you managed to apply pokemon to dating makes you my new hero.


    -Suddenly Seymour

  5. All I have to add to this is this :

    I have three cats.